Birth Father's Mom

We had another ultrasound scheduled today and on the way there the birth mom told me that the birth father's mom might be there.  She explained to me on the way to the appointment that just a few days ago she told her boyfriend's mother that she was pregnant.  They had been hiding it from her this entire time.  I had a little warning on Friday about this because the birth mom was telling me that she felt like she needed to tell the father's mother.  We had a long conversation about it and to sum it up I just told her that I hoped that she would be supportive of the decision they had already made.  It was a very stressful moment for me knowing the wrench that grandparents can throw into an adoption process.  They do not legally have any rights, but they can manipulate the father to not give up his rights at birth. I had to let her know I was concerned, but also be supportive of her decision to tell her.

I quickly texted Farmie on the way to the appointment to give him a heads up since he was meeting us so that he wouldn't be confused, blindsided.  The ultrasound started because the dad's mom was late.  We took a short break so our birth mom could relieve her bladder and then I ran into the dad's mom, let's call her R for now, in the hallway.  I quickly introduced myself and I could tell that she was nervous.  I probably should have been more concerned or nervous about meeting her myself, but I really wasn't.  We included her in the ultrasound process and she asked a lot of questions.  She kept kind of staring at me strangely and then she finally told me that I look just like her sister that passed away in 1993.  She apologized for staring at me so much and I told her that I was so sorry for her loss.

The ultrasound went great and on my end and Farmie's I was really was comfortable with R being there.  It didn't make things as awkward as you might assume.  When we were leaving she asked for my number.  She wanted to know how much of a role she would have in the baby's life and I told her that this process was all new to us too.  I told her that it might be helpful if she talked to her husband about what they hoped their role would be and then maybe we could get together to discuss it.

I have very mixed feelings about openly including them in our lives as if the child would have 3 sets of grandparents.  I'm a little worried that might be what she is hoping for.  I wouldn't be comfortable with them having a playdate with the child without us or even including them in our family holidays.  I would be fine meeting with them a couple times a year and sending pics throughout the year, but any more than that I really don't think we should be obligated to do that.  The birth mom has also told me that R is an alcoholic and I really don't want that influence around our child either.  The birth mom and I talked at length after the ultrasound and she said that I needed to just tell R what I was comfortable with.  She told me that R can be overbearing and I should just be very clear about what relationship we want her to have with the baby.

I'm so grateful for the relationship that I continue to have with our birth mom.  We get along so well.  Today during the ultrasound she was telling R how protective I was of her, which I am.  I feel very protective of our birth mom.  I really hope that she comes out of this experience knowing what a blessing she has been and moving in a more positive direction in her life.