Divorce

I learned on Saturday that my mom is divorcing my dad.  They have been married for 37 years, together for 44.  He flew out this week to visit my grandmother who is dying of colon cancer.  She was told that she would only live 3 months.  That was last October.  So he made a trip to see her and that's when my mom told him: either get sober and go to counseling or I'm divorcing you.

After 37 years it all seems a little pointless to me.  I have very few memories of them being affectionate, happy, but I really have a hard time imagining what life in a couple years will look like especially for my mom.  She doesn't have many friends because she doesn't know how to be there for someone.  She's very good at existing, but not being present.

My dad on the other hand has friends he's known since childhood and he makes new friends very easily.  He's surrounded by his family right now and many friends that he has known for a very long time.

They sold their home last week and my mother will be moving to my town.  My father will stay with my grandmother in Mississippi.

My mom always threatened divorcing my father my entire life.  I always had the fear that she would finally push him away and that I would be left alone with her.  My dad was my world growing up and even though he drank he cooked me meals, asked me how my day at school was.  He took me fishing and treated me more like a friend than a child.  He instilled such a strong sense of confidence in me from his praise and he always made me feel like my opinion mattered.  So the threat of losing him was very frightening to me.  And now even at 30 years old when my mother finally decides to divorce him an overwhelming fear creeps in that I will lose him forever.  But I know that even though he's far away he will always be my father and we will talk regularly.  I just won't see him as much anymore, which makes me sad, but I know he's happy where he is.

My original family structure is disintegrating, but our family, the family that Farmie and I are building, is just starting.  Everything happens in it's own time, the right time, and for some reason my parents divorce is part of the puzzle and part of us moving forward.